I went to the Hebrides this summer for a month with my family in tow. Four of us in a van, surfboard shoved in the middle of the aisle, a constant nuisance to all except me, because I was the one chasing waves.
I’m the only surfer in my family. My kids have both tried it but it hasn’t officially stuck yet (they have spent much of their life travelling to warmer climes, and the cold British waters just aren’t quite as appealing). My husband had a go last summer and was annoyingly good in his first lesson, but when he fleetingly has access to free time (our kids are young and our life is jenga) he has his own interests he wants to pursue.
And so, here we are, I’m the only one chasing waves, and they all (sometimes reluctantly, sometimes willingly) come for the ride. And it presents a unique slew of challenges, of motherly guilt, of ridiculous scheduling, of never quite feeling totally free to pursue something I utterly adore.
I should say before I dive in, my small family are brilliant, and have sat on many a beach waiting while I pursue this love. I am only ever grateful for their support. But the moment any of them show a shred of enthusiasm to embrace surfing beyond a few one off lessons, I am jumping on it. A family that surfs together stays together, and that is my goal. I’m working on it.
Let’s talk about surfing mum guilt
I listened to a lovely podcast the other day from the Finisterre crew, hosted on International Women’s Day, and featuring a number of their female ambassadors, Easkey Britton, Sally McGee, Aline Carrier, Katie McConnell, and Lola Bleakley. The episode premise was ‘what makes women feel strong’.
Sally is one of my favourite voices in the surfing space (check out our episode with her here), not least because she talks so honestly about her journey of motherhood and how difficult she found entry into a world based on a premise that you give yourself entirely to the process of mothering. As she puts it ‘surfers are essentially selfish’ - they live their lives adapting their schedule and timelines to when the waves are good - and this isn’t a fantastic fit with being a mum.
She has worked tirelessly to educate her son about the sea, and has supported his surfing journey to the point that he is now out back shredding with her, and he’s only 8 years old. It’s clearly a joy now, but it also entails her own focus being diluted when she’s out there. She’s suddenly thinking of her son’s safety as well as her own. For so many mums I know that desire to share their passion with their kids is there, but it’s also an escape from motherhood. The one time they don’t necessarily feel like a mum. That’s important too.
In my conversation with author of The Surf house, Lucy Clarke (on the podcast in a month), we discussed this balance openly. She said that she tells her son that when they’re in the sea together, she’s not his mum. She’s just another surfer, trying to catch a wave. I respect that.
I feel all kinds of mum guilt when I’m dragging my family around looking for the right conditions to surf. Guilt for the fact that sometimes my kids are playing for hours and the weather sucks. Guilt for the fact it’s my husband looking after them rather than having fun himself. Guilt for the fact that maybe I should be spending more time teaching my kids to surf than surfing myself (although this has failed spectacularly when I’ve tried, lessons seem to work far better). Guilt for the fact that sometimes I’ve had the day of my life, and theirs has been ‘ok’.
I also think I’m showing them something essential.
The guilt does plague me, but I also think I’m teaching them an incredibly important lesson.
Mums have lives too. Mums have interests too. Mums know how to have fun.
We went to my kids mother's day assembly earlier this year, and each child had written a poem about their mum and what they mean to them.
I’ll forgive my son for the fact that he started his with ‘my mum, average fashion’ (this I wholeheartedly disagree with). He went on to say ‘skateboards, surfs, often at a laptop, great cake maker’. My daughter described me as a ‘skating mum’. The laptop comment, I have to admit, split my heart open a little. I went home deflated, worrying about the lasting memory my kids have of me being at my laptop, without enough time for them.
My husband helped me to see it entirely differently. He explained that most of the mums had been described through a series of chores they do. Making dinner. Tidying up. There when they get home from school. I was the only one who had any interests mentioned in the entire assembly. The only one whose career was mentioned, and he assured me that there was pride in their voices as they talked about it.
We are always going to be our hardest critics when it comes to our parenting, but if I teach my kids that they deserve to chase joy, to chase their passions, and to know that they are not a bad person for doing so, I’ve hopefully taught them something important.
I’m working on not being jealous of my child-free mates
I’ve met so many child free friends through starting the Board Women community. Women who have chosen to be child free. Women who have no choice. Women who just aren’t there yet. Or women whose kids are now older and they are coming back to their own interests with more time at their disposal. And that’s the common thread for all of them: time.
It’s the thing I have so little of, but I work incredibly hard to prioritise making time for the things I love, whether it’s skating, surfing, snowboarding (or one of the relentlessly long list of outdoor activities I enjoy). Time never feels like it’s on my side, spontaneity has all but disappeared, and making that time takes an incredible amount of planning and perserverence.
And yet, when my kids do come into my interests in some way, I realise I get so much from us having a shared passion, even if it is fleeting. My son and I started our skateboarding journey together, and whilst his has (I hope temporarily) paused, and mine has continued, our shared moments are still some of my favourite. We travelled across France one summer, and Spain the next, looking up every skatepark as we went, and excitedly trying new landscapes to test our skills on (I say skills, but that work is more accurately levied at his skateboarding than my own in reality).
One spring we went and stayed on the Isle of Wight at Camp Corve, where Canopy Skatepark is based. It’s a beautiful indoor skatepark (a must visit if you haven’t been), and it was 2 minutes from the front door of our cabin. My family and I had it to ourselves and had a lesson every day of our trip. My daughter had her first pushes on a skateboard, as did my husband (who again, was annoyingly good without even trying). I had a fleeting glimpse of what it would be like if we were all passionate about the same sport. We left that skatepark energised and giggling every day, heady with the euphoria that only beginners can have, that moment where your learning curve is so steep that everything is a win.
The holiday ended, life routines and other interest sept back in to our lives, and once again, I was the only one heading out skating or surfing.
And so it continues. I chase the waves. They come with me. And quietly, in the background, I plan my attack to bring them all to the dark side.
Wish me luck.
The Board List
This week’s run down of things we’re loving in the board sports world and beyond as a mid life woman.
(1) Let’s Celebrate Bella Rose Bunce
Bella recently announced she’s leaving her post as editor of Wavelength Magazine. She’s been editor for two years, and has done so much in that time. She established a 50/50 split of women and men inside the magazine. She got a woman on the cover, had the first illustration cover, and she made sure the magazine covered the real issues of the industry from climate to politics to inclusivity.
What a superstar, and what a shame she won’t be in the role anymore (for family reasons). We interviewed Bella previously and she was amazing, check that out here and best of luck to Bella for her next move, we’re sure it will be worth waiting for.
(2) Are you coming to our October Event?
We’ve got our next Culture Skate on Saturday 24th October. The culture skates are amazing fun: 2 hours private hire of Skate hub London, our coach Sarah from Yellowhat skateboarding on hand for tips. Lunch together at Vauxhall Market, and then off to see an exhibition. This month’s is the Es Devlin retrospective at the Design Museum, which is supposed to be absolutely epic. Come join us, beginner or experienced, all are welcome! Link to tickets here.
(3) Are you embracing the grey?
I keep meeting friends recently who are embracing their grey, and without exception they have looked phenomenal. And I mean, really beautiful. Grey continues to have a come back, on the catwalk, and firmly off, and I am here for it (as someone who has dyed their hair most of their adult life, the greys are firmly coming through and I actually quite like it). Check this out for some inspiration if you are taking some convincing on this front.
(4) The Altra Running Legacy Team: runners in their 70’s and 80’s
I could not love this more. A celebration of ageing in all of the right ways. Altra have recruited a running crew to represent the brand with a combined age of 321. They are four veteran runners from Britain aged 75-85. Pritpal Kaur is the only woman in the four, but impressively is 75 and running the London Marathon even though she has been diagnosed with Blood Cancer. The entire crew are impressive, and when you think about it, isn’t celebrating people running these distances at these ages far more alluring than when someone is a fit 20 something? Why aren’t more brands doing it?
(5) The launch of the stress sucks podcast with Kylie Griffiths
I’m looking forward to this one. It launches Wednesday 21st and will be honest conversations about stress, burnout and everything in between. Kylie is a surfer, creative, and was the founder of London Girls Surf Club. She hosted a beautiful retreat at Kudhva (we interviewed the founder Louise on the day it was happening weirdly). She’s worked in fashion, music, and she’s now the founder of Stress Sucks, whilst having qualified to help others navigate burnout in her role as a Nervous System Specialist. One to check out.
That’s it from me. Hope you all have a beautiful wave, filled with jumping on boards, sunshine and big smiles.
Caroline x
Board Women Founder