Friday Mood: Own your next Era
A funeral, considering life, and embracing the next stage as I creep up on 50
“It is not selfish to want something for yourself. You have earned your happiness. Life is meant to be lived” - Lady Violet Bridgerton
Yes, I’m quoting from Bridgerton, it’s come to that, but this quote really stuck with me.
It’s been a weird week, one that included the funeral of a parent of my oldest friend from home. These moments always bring clarity as to what we want from life, how we will be remembered when it is our turn for everyone to come to a crematorium, and they also bring faces from the past; a stark mirror to our present.
Four of us stood at the edge of the chapel. Four friends who have known each other since we were small children. Some who still see each other regularly, some less so (the last time I saw one of them was sadly at the last funeral we all visited).
A boy who we went to school with saw us, lined up against the wall, and commented that ‘the Westcliff girls’ (our old school) were back together and ‘haven’t changed a bit’. Now, whilst I’ll take that compliment, I also know that isn’t true. We are all on the cusp of 50, and of course, we have changed. We are women versus girlish mates. We’ve all been through so much since we were first friends. There have been births and deaths. Marriages and separations. Adventures and mind numbing boredom in the routine of life, and parenting.
As one friend said on a newly created whatsapp group afterwards to ensure we stay in contact in happier circumstances: “everything changes and at once, it stays the same.”
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The whole affair got me thinking. These were women who I got drunk at parties with. Climbed into shopping trolleys and raced down hills with (replete with traffic cones on our heads, yes we might have had a few drinks again). Wore too short skirts with and lied about my age (the times when we wished we were older) with. And there was one common thread throughout it all.
We were visible.
Of course there were the normal nerves of growing up. Worrying if boys liked us. If we were wearing the right thing. Doing the right thing. If that spot would go by the weekend. And we didn’t have half the pressures that young girls today have.
But we were visible.
Striding out. Knowing that we were looked at and not caring. A confidence that comes with youth and not having been pushed back in your box enough yet to worry about it happening again. It’s fleeting, because these times will come later. Later there will be feedback that we are too confident, too vocal, too direct. And we will tone down our visibility. Succumb to pressures of fitting in. Become less than.
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But what I’m noticing that’s really interesting is that the narrative is shifting about this disappearing act, and seeing my old friends at this funeral brought so much of that to life.
One friend has fully embraced her grey and emerged from her car with resplendent silver curls. We unanimously agreed that she looks amazing. She’s been covering it up for years, and has now decided that she doesn’t give a f**k and she looks phenomenal. Another who is embracing the silver blonde that her mum used to have, and was told many times at the funeral that she looks the spitting image of her, something that might not have yielded a positive response before - but she is now leaning into (her mum was beautiful, I would too).
Another who has dedicated her life to her daughters, who has been by far and away the most present parent in their life, but in the midst of recent tumultuous change is starting to think, what comes after? What drives my life? Where is my enjoyment? My passion? Previously guilt would have kept her from exploring this, but she’s starting to realise she 100% needs to invest in herself to keep her tank full for the rest of her family, as well as it being what she needs.
Another who has lived a single life for some time, with an essential role as an aunty that feeds her maternal instinct. She too is starting to say, what does this next era look like? What will I look back on and feel I have achieved? (and when will this brain fog disappear? She’s off to get HRT this week).
The girlish chat resumed as normal as we gathered. Same topics, same laughter, so much the same. Inside we are still teenagers, working it all out, questioning, but suddenly with so much experience behind us.
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We are all struggling with challenges in our own way. Navigating this ageing lark as we come up to the milestone of 50. But the difference is clear:
WE REFUSE TO BE INVISIBLE.
This is not the end of an era for us. It’s the start of the next (exciting) one. We are not selfish for looking for what drives us, what we feel passionate about, what is singularly for the benefit of us, not in service of others. We are absolutely owed that right.
For me, some of that visibility is coming through skating, surfing and snowboarding. Moments where my teenage self feels in full effect. It’s not the answer to the challenges that come with this period, but it provides respite while I work it all out, and for now, that’s enough (in fact, it’s everything).
It feels so far from selfish to fill my own cup in this way, it feels essential.
I’ve earned it. So have you.
Have a good weekend all
Caroline x
Board Women Founder
P.S I’d love to know how you’re embracing your next era - drop it in the comments below x