Friday Mood: MY BRAIN NEEDS QUIET
And why the death onslaught of life admin and adulting pressures have made my weekly skateboarding lesson a non-negotiable
It’s official. My head is IMPLODING this week. I know I’m not alone on this, as this time of year is insane if you have kids (I’m convinced the teachers sit down and work out how to torture parents), insane if you work for yourself (must get work booked in before everyone takes the summer off), insane with, well, life.
And yet, I have a weekly non-negotiable, and that is - no matter how busy my life is, no matter how stressed out I am, I will find a way to still have my skateboarding lesson.
My brain currently looks like this:
Must remember to book the kids holiday clubs because they break up in 2 weeks (2 f**king weeks, yes I know. And then they’re off for 9 in total).
Must remember to chase about 50 clients before the summer so I can still pay the mortgage in September after they all disappear.
Must actually deliver 3 months of work in the next month so that I can try and take some time off to actually see my kids this summer.
Must book my son on open days for senior schools, despite the fact that he doesn’t even go to one for 18 more months, but you have to apply in September of this year. Make it make sense.
Must buy my mum a birthday present.
Must sort a plan for fathers day. For my dad, and for Ben.
Must pack because we are camping with mates this weekend. Tonight in fact. F**k.
Must get kids tickets to their bloody school disco. Must reply about x number of school activities, contribute to that teacher leaving, reply to that email about their new teacher next year. Must remember to actually look at the muted parents whatsapp groups to see what I’ve missed.
Must send back the various bits of kids school clothing that were apparently urgent, don’t fit, and now term is almost over.
Must order paint, paint back walls, paint the decking, paint bloody everything in our back garden that was falling apart, because people are renting it this summer and we are permanently half way through these house jobs as our house crumbles around our ears. Must fix lights. Must fix gate. Must fix oven. Must fix blinds. ARRRGGGHHHH.
Must call my parents and check in.
Must call several mates who are having a s**t time lately and just check that they are ok.
Must pick up HRT to keep any level of sanity through all of this madness.
The list goes on and on. And that’s before anything on board women. Or the real detail behind work. And it doesn’t reflect the day to day of just keeping your kids alive, whilst keeping a business going, and the not so small act of looking after yourself amongst it all (which actually I’m pretty religious about).
IS ANYONE ELSE DYING AMONGST LIFE ADMIN INSANITY??
I recognise I write this all from a place of privilege. Of having any work at all in this climate. Of having a house (even though it’s falling apart). Of having the option to pay for kids clubs (although at the moment they are getting whacked on a credit card until my clients pay me). Of having a partner that actually does stuff, rather than leaving 100% to me.
But it is unbelievably overwhelming on your brain. And it feels like even when something falls away from the list, the replacement ‘to do’ swoops in at the speed of f**king light. The list will be with me until I die.
And yet somehow, every Tuesday afternoon I grab my board, drive 20 minutes to a little skate cafe, and I have an hour skateboarding lesson, no matter what.
I’m no stranger to scheduling things like exercise. They are a daily act for me, as I just can’t keep it all together otherwise. I crawl out of bed at six and get exercise in, I make sure I walk too, I’m pretty on it as I know my brain falls apart if I don’t.
But this is different. Because this is scheduling something that for many, is simply a whimsical act. Not essential by any means. Childish in nature.
Maybe if I was training for a marathon people would understand it being a non-negotiable. But I’m not. I’m simply going for a totally selfish, self-indulgent hour of doing something that I love (and hopefully getting a little better at it, although I do question that sometimes). Many would question whether it is ok to see this as essential. I wholly disagree with them.
I rock up. I find out what terrifying thing I’m being asked to try that week, and I get on with it. And without fail I emerge energised. I go in with the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I emerge and that weight has totally lifted.
I am utterly convinced that these moments are not optional. They are essential. We need to let our brain slow down, to escape these to do lists. To hold our focus on simply having fun. No other agenda.
When else does your brain get to escape? When else do you just get to have that playful joy that makes you giggle with happiness? When else do you just get to feel totally and utterly silly? To have no choice but to focus?
I genuinely think it should be prescribed. It’s the same when I get in the sea. It’s the same when I strap on a snowboard.
We weren’t meant to have 50 whatsapp groups flashing at once, each with its own set of requirements, pressures and instructions in life. We weren’t meant to be at our desks all day. We weren’t meant to have this many to do lists running concurrently in our head. Mentally holding it all, mentally trying to keep the plates spinning, mentally convincing ourselves we have it ‘together’. (we don’t)
My Tuesday skateboarding session gives me that breathing room. It’s brief, but my god I need it. And I’ve never once regretted going. And somehow, everything has still got done, despite me scurrying off (and when I say scurrying, its a mental scurry - I work for myself so I’m not escaping from a workplace or a boss, but the mental pressure to just get your head down and get your work done is very real).
Someone assumed the other day that I have ADHD. Every women I know is getting diagnosed. Maybe that is 100% real for everyone, or maybe we’ve just bought into the idea that our lives should be manic all the time, and our brains should follow. Maybe the system has made us feel like it’s all on us, that our brains were made for this.
I’m pretty sure I don’t have ADHD. I wouldn’t care if I did (and I’m pretty sure my son has, hence the conversation), but despite my frenzied lifestyle I don’t fit lots of the normal indicators. I’m highly organised. I have insane levels of focus.
In reality it doesn’t matter, but I’m losing count now of the women my age, in similar life situations, who seem to have a fresh diagnosis. I’m not deriding the people who have any kind of neurodivergence (as I say, it’s pretty present in my family, with my friends, and I believe our brains all work fantastically differently, just as it should be).
But surely, just surely not 90% of my peers brains can fall under this particular diagnosis? Is there a chance that we’ve been sold a system that just doesn’t work for us here? We’ve been sold that our brains should have the mental capacity for it all? That it’s ok to feel so overloaded? That this is how it is now?
I’m questioning it. Wanting to simplify. Looking at what I can offload (ideally not the things I love and that creatively fuel me).
And in the meantime you’ll find me on my board or in the sea. Chasing down that mental freedom again. It’s pretty elusive stuff.
I’d love to hear how you’re feeling, are you drowning from the mental load too? Is your board giving you respite? Let me know below.
And if you’re in need of meeting some other women to find that respite with, don’t forget to DM me on on instagram to join our Whatsapp group, or check out our next even on Sunday 28th where we join forces with Saltdean Lido for a day of skate x sauna x swim, just a few places left here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/1991920478773?aff=oddtdtcreator