Friday Mood: Don't Underestimate Us
Midlife women getting on boards are bad ass. Underestimate them at your own risk.
I keep having conversations with women who have been underestimated when they are getting on boards (of the surf, skate, snow variety).
I had my own experience of this recently in Nicaragua. I’d travelled there with my family, and we rocked up to a beach at a small town near San Juan del Sur, and I tried to hire a board. I was with my family, and my son was ribbing his dad. The guy chastised him saying “you don’t know this yet, but your dad is important. Mums are soft, Dads will teach you to be strong and tough”.
Woah.
My son luckily knows better. He explained that both parents can be tough, and supported the argument with “my mum skates and surfs and snowboards”. I’ve taught him well.
The underestimation continued on my first lesson. Before the guy had seen me surf, swim, or paddle he set off into the sea saying “this is cardio, paddling is tough, you’ll have to work really hard”. Now my surfing isn’t fantastic, but I am fit. I’ve worked out daily for as long as I can remember, and I’m probably fitter at almost 49 than I was in my 20’s (especially as I don’t really drink now). The patronisation levels were high.
I had to almost force myself back to go for a lesson, because annoyingly, some of the tips the guy gave me were really good, but the delivery of most of his chat just got my back up. I decided to take the high road, and just go about proving him wrong, and somehow over the days that followed, we managed to come to some kind of understanding that worked. But it felt like exactly that, work.
Let’s be clear, on seeing his and the other instructors with the younger girls who came for their lessons, the dynamic clearly wasn’t in effect with them.
I had a similar conversation with the woman who runs the weekly surf fit class I go to in Brighton. Marianne (ex lawyer with the BBC for 30 years, turned endurance athlete trainer) is known to be a bad ass by all of us in the class. She’s in her 60’s, is supremely fit, and she surfs and snowboards, both of which she started later in life. She is wiry, strong, and you would never look at her and see anything but someone who is incredibly physically capable.
And yet, she recently had a surf lesson in San Sebastien and her young male instructor had clearly mentally written her off. Despite her assurances that she could surf, he was trying to push her onto waves; and when a decent set finally came in, he spent half the time chatting to his mates. It made her feel like she wasn’t worth the effort, not a great vibe from the person who is supposed to be inspiring you to do more in the sea.
She has similar stories of male snowboard instructors, one of whom announced to her “you’re brave at your age” at the start of the lesson. Perfect conditions for feeling your most confident and not self-conscious. Not.
These instructors clearly don’t recognise the influence this kind of behaviour has. One lesson from someone who makes you feel small, makes you feel incapable, makes you feel like you actually are too old to do this (a voice many of us have lurking in our heads) can be enough to put someone off trying at all.
The counter is also true. One fantastic instructor can be the make or break for your relationship with a sport, particularly in the more risk based world of board sports. Marianne was lucky to have a fantastic instructor in Devon, one who got her to venture out in bigger waves than she had surfed before, gave her great technical skills in assessing the waves, and built her confidence, rather than decimate it.
Interestingly I’ve never had this experience in the skateboarding world. I’ve had a mix of instructors, many of them male, and each and every one of them has managed to Mr Miyagi me in building my confidence. They have a knack of finding the positive in the mistakes I make, of getting me to try things I never thought myself capable of, and somehow embracing scarier tricks to revisit the ones I was previously scared of; only to find myself capable of making them. Wax on, wax off.
Maybe it’s because the world of skateboarding is simply more accepting of beginners. Maybe it’s because it’s a world that embraces the misfit in us all and welcomes us in, but surfing and snowboarding could learn a thing or two, that’s for sure. And in the meantime, instructors please temper your prejudices when you’re taking someone out in the sea or slopes. That one lesson could be the difference between the next twenty years of them loving the sport, or it could be them ditching it and deciding, incorrectly, that they are indeed, too old.
I’d love to hear what you think. Have you been made to feel too old in your lessons or more widely as you’ve begun your journey into boardsports? drop me a note below.
Have a good weekend all,
Caroline x
Board Women Founder
This resonated with me far beyond surfing.
I think many women in midlife know exactly what it feels like to walk into a room, a meeting, a sport, or a new chapter of life and immediately sense the quiet underestimation.
Not because we are incapable.
But because people often stop expecting strength, ambition, or resilience from women once we pass a certain age.
What struck me most is how much influence one person can have. Someone who builds confidence can change the entire trajectory of what we believe ourselves capable of.
And sadly, the opposite is true as well.
Thankfully, many of us reach a point in midlife where underestimation becomes less discouraging and more motivating.